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The Day I Chose To Live

Updated: Aug 14, 2022

Often when you read testimonials it refers to God, l was brought up in the Catholic faith however as a young adult I crossed boundaries by not following the strict rules!! Sex before marriage, child out of wedlock! Not attending every Sunday for mass! My behaviour didn’t sit well in the church and didn’t Father Farrell let me know about it!! No matter what I did though I always seemed to gravitate back! Maybe it was the need for that belonging feeling? Was it the belief system that was instilled throughout childhood and in school? Or could it have been my beautiful grandma’s long standing connection to the church? Whatever it was there were many times I’d find myself in the church lighting a candle, seeking the support! But it never actually came.. I felt as if there was something missing! I’d pray but I wasn’t heard so I stopped, I’d light the candles but they didn’t last so I gave up, what ever I did my connections were too weak.

For many years I continued trying and not succeeding until the day I woke up! I call it the day I woke up but actually it was the day I broke! I actually hallucinated falling to the floor and smashing into a million pieces then like the sci of films started to piece back together!! Life had hit the bottom level, I’d been at the bottom before but this was the ultimate bottom! The next level down was not on this earth plane, I had to get up I wasn’t ready for that place, I wasn’t going to leave my family and have them like this in 20 years as I have been since my dad took his life! I had a mission to lead I just needed to discover what that was and how I was going to do it.

Whilst rocking in my corner popping pills drinking myself into oblivion and forever crying I had an epiphany! To reach this destination life needed to change! I needed to change!! I had to stop the self sabotage! The negative self talk, I had to believe in myself stop sitting in pools of guilt and shame, unable to leave the house down to fear of what people thought of me, crippled with anxiety! I had to forgive myself, I had to forgive those that had betrayed me, left me alone, hurt me, I had to do this to be able to get up off that bottom dark floor and reach freedom. I’d been weighed down for over 25 years with the guilt surrounding my first born, the relationships I’d had, my beautiful marriage and soulmate, the death of my amazing dad to which guilt and grief and anger had consumed me for over 20 years. It was time to let it all go and accept the past and move into a beautiful future. One where I could be free and be me, with my tribe.

After weeks in the dark space between existing and departing with copious amounts of soul searching while suffering severe withdrawals from alcohol I finally found hypnosis and managed to find what tiny bit of energy I had left and stop abusing myself with alcohol. With the mind a little clearer I found meditation! Through the meditation I managed to work on my inner child issues and that took some doing! I’d had a beautiful childhood with endless love however as with all families it came with difficulties and events that had left scars and even open wounds. There was more than I ever imagined as I worked through I had a very hard teenage life away from the family life with abuse, regrets, betrayal and loss but with the guidance of first a therapist then with a life coach. Suddenly it all became clear, meditation was a way I could sort of pray and felt a strong connection to something but what? I began to feel empowered connected to something strong so I began to journal my experiences.

I began to seek more understanding, coming across ancient eastern traditions, energy began to flow within and I began to feel I had found the missing link, my search was far from over as I studied hard for years looking at the meanings of these amazing traditions of meditation, energy healing, universal energy, connection of the earth to the universe, the power of the moon, the list goes on, but I found it!! It found me! I found me!!! I began to focus on me! I was the key to my own future! I was the most important person in my life! No one was ever going to look after me like I could myself! And so began the awakening phase.

My hunger to grow and thirst to know more was so strong as it remains today, what I can say is that had this journey not began I dare say I would not be here today, my path was self destructive and toxic to say the least! I thank the universe for showing me a way that day, I don’t have a belief as I once did, I have a lot more, my mind is open and ready to receive whatever the universe has in store for me! Law of attraction, karma, mantras, affirmations, growth mindset, manifestations, powerful healing energy, and sharing my experiences to help others it’s all my world now and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

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Thank you for sharing

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